Do not carelessly light your rectum on fire. Sure the classic "hot butt" gag may produce giggles, but cauterizing vital natural functions is no laughing matter. "Your anus is not Laclede Gas young man!" said grandma beatifically.
AN ALARMING NEW TREND! ANAL ARSON ON THE RISE!
(The usual suspects: "Kicks")
Hospital ER's report an uptick in unusual scaldings. Unsupervised youth are attempting to freebase their own farts in the mistaken belief that it will inspire them to Wall Street riches. No longer content to read Ayn Rand novels, these would be I-Bank ballers are attempting to "chase the mud monkey" (which does not exist). "You did WHAT with your lips?" cried Dad incredulously.
A spokesman for Citibank responded. "Reports of inadequate capitalization, the mud monkey, and impending insolvency are inoperative statements. We plausibly deny these reports. Furthermore, even if the mud monkey was true, these kids are doing it wrong. That product would have to be refined. Just huffing a fast food fart will not turn you into Jessie Livermore."
Flaming fannies lead to a lifetime of lament and don't assume health professionals can restore what was lost. Inebriated surgeons bark, "Fuck it!" and then bypass the difficult graft procedure altogether and consign the patient to a lifetime of ostomy bags and whispers of "What's that old-people smell?"
Dr. Nevet Gazdálkodó-Mezőgazdasági Pézsmapocok (not his real name) said, "Some think it kink to use the fluhole for an ashtray heart. When that happens, I just scrape the whole asshole tissue out with an Electrified Cushing Lancet, call in the bagman for a ‘snip n’ stoma,’ parachute liquid hydromorphone directly into my eyeballs, and hit the back nine."
Sexpert Annie Sprinkle rejoined, "The anus has millions of sensitive nerve endings that are stimulated by caress but hurt like a mofo when immolated."
An expert in a white coat remarked, "Your bowels are not Con- Ed. We can't just ribbon emergency tape around and say 'Pardon our appearance while we close for maintenance.’ Play with fire and say hello to your new little friend, the irrigation pouch. The rectum becomes a meaningless vestigial cavity, although I hear one fellow turned his into a purse.”
HE IGNORED OUR WARNING
"I was 19 and thought I was a chucklehead. Now I wear a bag, and life sucks dog dick. I thought I was funny. It is not worth it. Don't try to be funny. Be as dull in life and with people as possible. You'll be happier in the long run," said a very sad man.
Some patients find the transition difficult and develop deviant psychosis. Concerned Media has heard reports of some of them cruising seedy parks, ripping their shirts open and begging, “Wanna double-team my double-barrel stomas?” We challenge all thrill-crazed teens: is using your posterior for a pilot light really worth it?
AN UPDATE ON A PREVIOUS REPORT
(i.e., we were wrong.)
A report on "Krocodile," the mixture of injected gasoline and narcotics that was first reported by Russian media, was found to be baseless in America; however, Concerned Media does NOT regret our error. We believe that the pursuit of pleasure is so pernicious that today’s hypothetical urban myth could be tomorrow’s tragedy. We submit the following advice: never do anything for fun. Statistics have shown that boring people have an astounding 13.4 years greater life expectancy. In fact, whatever it is you are thinking about doing right now for diversion Just. Don’t. Do. It!
Instead, We suggest you stay in your home, lock your doors, and keep staring at Concerned Media's website. We refresh updates every half-minute, faster than the Drudge Report! Please patronize our Goldline advertisers. Sorrow is an emotion that burrows through the soul like a tapeworm. Safety is everything!
Oh, you thought the coast was clear? Thinking about having a lark? What are you, mental? We warned you.
(Concerned Parent Reports provides local media with dire warnings about the latest teen fads. We've found that nervous parents will sit through 20 TV news commercials just to find out what the latest danger is. If you are a local fleabag news outlet, increase your revenue while you serve your community!)
© Mark Linzee Rudolph, Concerned Parent Media